Confessions of a Dead Girl
by My Reason Why
Summary: Tori kills herself and leaves her friends wondering why. When cleaning out her old room they find a diary containing the most private details about her life. It turns out they didn't know as much as they thought about Tori Vega. But on their manic search for answers, they realise they might not like what they find. *Summary kind of sucks, please read anyway lol*Rated M for later
1. Goodbye

Beck wiped the tears from his eyes. He couldn't believe this was happening. It was like the world was shifting under his feet and he couldn't control it. He didn't want to bury his friend today, but he had to. Tori Vega was dead. There was nothing else to it. He felt like he was going to throw up, he felt so terrible. Why hadn't he noticed something was wrong? Why hadn't any of them been able to be there for her when she needed them most, she'd always been there for them. But what caused her to do this? To end her life so tragically and so suddenly that no one really has been able to process anything that's happened other than the fact that she's dead. Beck started shaking. He couldn't control it. He felt so damn guilty, angry and depressed that he didn't know what to do. He couldn't make his body function properly and he sank to his knees. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the day. At that moment Jade walked into his trailer and her face softened in a way that made Beck feel worse. He hated people seeing him like this, he _hated _it.

Jade's arms were around him before he knew it and he took comfort in her warmth. "I can't believe she's gone." He choked out holding onto her tightly, "How can she be gone?"

"I don't know." She whispered and he held her tightly, "I have no idea why she decided to do this to herself. But she is gone Beck, and we have to say goodbye to her... no matter how hard it is."

"I know." He whispered as he held Jade tighter, "But I'm not ready to say goodbye."

"I know." Jade said soothingly,"But you have to, she's not coming back. No matter how much we might like her to."

Beck didn't say anything. He just sat there for a while trying to get himself together, "Okay. I'm ready." He said even though he really wasn't. Who would be? He did't think anyone would really be ready to bury one of their best friends at just 16.

* * *

Two days later Beck walked up to the Vega's doorway. Robbie, Jade, Cat and Andre were with him because they'd all volunteered to help pack up Tori's stuff. Beck wasn't sure what they were planning to do with it, but he couldn't focus on that at this point. He was having enough trouble readying himself for what he was about to do. He knocked on the door.

Trina, Tori's older sister, opened the door and invited them all inside. "Hey guys." She said awfully normally for someone who'd just lost their younger sister. "All of Tori's things are upstairs in her room. Take what you want, the rest will either be thrown out or sold." She said before turning around and continuing to watch TV. Her father was nowhere to be seen and and Beck shared a WTF look with the others before they made their way upstairs.

* * *

They'd never been in Tori's room before and whenever Jade had imagined it she'd always imagined something bigger and nicer than this. Tori didn't have that many things, her bedroom was small and dull and it didn't actually look like anybody lived there at all. "Is it me or does this room seem awfully bare for the room of a 16 year old girl?" She asked as she looked around.

"It's definitely not I would've expected from Tori." Andre said touching what little stuff was on her dresser. "This is nice." He said and gestured to a small golden locket that was lying on the ground near the dresser. He bent down and picked up, "I don't think we should let them throw this out. It seems like the kind of thing that could've been valuable to Tori."

"Beck? Are you okay?" Jade asked stepping forward noting Beck, who was crouched in the corner not moving at all, for the first time.

"No, I'm not okay!" He shouted and stood up, "There's nothing here!" He threw his arms wide, and knocked over a stack of books in the process. "There is absolutely nothing in this room that explains any of this! Nothing that explains why she did what she did, why she felt like she had to kill herself!" He tipped her mattress over in his frustration and fell to his knees. "There's nothing here." He said and put his head in his hands. Jade hated to see Beck like this. She knew he missed Tori and he didn't want to say goodbye to her but she also knew that there was more to it then that. When Beck was little his mother had committed suicide too and it's haunted him for most of his life. He's never said so out loud but she knew that he blamed himself for what his mother did and she knew he was beginning to blame himself for this too.

"Maybe there is." Cat said picking up a red leather bound book. "It looks like a diary. Maybe it's hers, maybe she wrote why she did what she did in here."

"Give me that." Beck said lurching to his feet, grabbing the diary and turning it over in his hands. "It's hers alright, its her handwriting." He concluded as he glanced at the first page.

"Do you think we should read it?" Jade asked.

"I don't think it would be right." Andre said stepping over the overturned mattress, "Why ever she did what she did, she did it for a good reason. If she didn't tell us I don't think she would want us to know."

"Well she's not exactly here right now to tell us that is she?" Beck snapped and Jade put a hand on his shoulder.

"Calm down. We all miss her and we all want to know what's going on. But Andre's right, I don't think we should."

"What do you guys think?" Beck asked turning to Cat and Robbie.

"I want to know why she did it." Cat said with her wide eyed look.

Robbie cleared his throat, "I don't know. I want to find out why she did what she did, I really do, but I'm not sure if we're going to like what we find."

"I think we should vote on it." Jade said throwing caution to the wind. She was honestly sick of hearing everyone bicker, seeing everyone so upset and trying to act like none of this bothered her when it did. She and Tori had their differences but she had never wanted things to turn out like this. She knew she never acted like it, and no one else would ever say this, but she'd actually thought of Tori as a friend. She was just as hurt about this as everyone else was but she knew Tori would want her to be strong. She knew Tori would want her to hold everyone up and be there for everybody like Tori would if the tables were reversed.

"All those in favour of not reading the diary." She said and she and Andre raised their hands. "All those in favour of reading it." She asked and Beck and Cat's hands raised simultaneously. Everyone turned to Robbie. "Well, Shapiro it seems like you have the deciding vote."

"I.." He sighed and looked around and everyone. Jade could see the indecision in his eyes. He turned away from them and looked at a group photo of them that Tori kept on her dresser. It was the only photo present in the room and tears welled in Robbie's eyes. "I want to do it." He whispered as he turned around to face them, "I can't stand not knowing what happened to her. As much as it may hurt, as bad as it may be... I want to know."

"So it's decided then," Jade said solemnly, "We read the diary. We'll meet at Beck's trailer later tonight to do it, but right now we have to get this place cleaned up and take what we want to before we get kicked out."

"Okay." They replied with a nod and went about cleaning Tori's room. Jade sighed, she had no idea how Tori did all of this peace keeping stuff all the time.

* * *

They went to Beck's trailer as soon as they were finished and all crowded around each other. The diary was lying in the centre of their circle on the floor and everyone was extremely silent. "Who want's to go first?" Jade asked looking at the diary, no one said anything. Even Beck, who had been so set on reading the damn thing, was quiet. Jade sighed, "Fine. I'll go first." She said as she leaned over, grabbed the diary and opened to the first entry.

She cleared her throat and read:

'_27 March 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm not sure if I can do this any more. Today has been the worst day of my entire life so far...'_

* * *

_**A/N: Hi there ;) Thanks for reading my chapter, I know its not the best right now but it will get better as it goes along. Have a nice day :D**_


	2. Diary

'_27 March 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm not sure if I can do this any more. Today has been the worst day of my entire life so far. My mother is dead and I'm the one to blame. There's a whole bunch of people downstairs right now just lining up to say what a wonderful woman she was, but none have spoken one word to me. I know they blame me, I blame me, but it doesn't make it any easier. My mother is dead. How dare they say that I never loved her? That I don't have a right to grieve her loss because I made a stupid mistake. I hate what I did that night, I hate the person I was. It doesn't seem to matter how I've tried to change, how I've looked at my life choices and realised they were wrong. All that matters is that she's gone and I'm here._

_Its been a week since she died, that's how long it took to organise her funeral, and things have changed drastically. My father isn't really my father any more, when he's not working he's drinking until early hours of the morning or until he passes out and then wakes up so he can repeat the cycle again. My sister doesn't speak to me much any more, and when she does I don't feel like her sister. It feels like I'm just some insignificant bug that she'd like to squash, and honestly I'd want to squash me too right now. No matter how much I change, it will always be my fault._

_My psychiatrist says that I need to find a way to deal with the grief, to move on. But how can I do that when the people I love are constantly reminding me that she's gone because of me? In all honest truth I wish it had been the other way around. I wish it had been me who died that night, not her. She didn't deserve to die, but I did. It was my fault we were even there, my fault it happened.'_

"It cuts off there." Jade said flipping to the next page, "it doesn't re-continue either. It's just another entry."

"Can I read the next one?" Cat asked reaching out for the diary. Jade nodded, as much as she was trying to be strong, she didn't know if she would be able to read any more from Tori's diary today. The self-guilt and self-loathing Tori was describing hit close to home with Jade. Beck grabbed her hand as if he was sensing what she was feeling and she gave his hand a quick squeeze as Cat began to read, her normally chirpy voice unusually sullen.

_'28 March 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was my first day of Hollywood Arts. I really don't know what to say about it. It was the school my mother had encouraged me to go to years ago, but she'd agreed to just send Trina when I said I didn't want to go. When I walked into those halls this morning, I couldn't help but think of how proud she'd be of me. Of how she'd smile at me and hug me... and that's when I stopped thinking. I couldn't afford to be a blubbering mess on my first day of school, I'd never make any friends then. So I put on my new 'sweet face' and developed a character for myself, someone I could be to hide the monster underneath who killed her mother. I became the nice, sweet, tame girl that I should've been before. If I had of been, my mother wouldn't be dead right now. _

_It was an interesting day, to say the least. I met some really nice people there today, Cat, Robbie, Andre and Beck.. and then I met some not-so nice ones. Jade West stood out particularly. I accidentally spilled coffee on her boyfriend Beck and she'd thought I was flirting with him. Okay, so maybe I was, but only a little bit! Besides, I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. By lunch she'd completely ruined 'nice Tori's' first day of school and I was about to go home. But then I realised I couldn't give her the satisfaction, I couldn't let her win.. So the old me came out to play. I'd kissed Beck that day. I hadn't even thought about it, I just did it. In the moment it was worth it to see the look on Jade's face, but it was afterwards that I'd realised what I'd really done. I'd become that person again, the one I'd been trying to break away from. I didn't want to be the partying, reckless Tori who killed my mother, but it was just so hard. I'd been that girl for so long, I didn't know how to come out of it. But I had to try, I had to become the person my mother had always wanted me to be, a person she could be proud of. Good, honest and kind... just like her._

_I know I should've told them about her today, but I'm really hoping they never find out. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to not be shunned by people all the time. To not have to be with them and think, they _know. _They know it was your fault and they hate you for it. I just couldn't do that any more, I needed a break. So I didn't tell them and I swore to myself that I never would, because I don't think I could handle it if they walked away from me too. I've only been around them for a day, but I already count them as my friends. I wouldn't be able to function properly if they were ripped away from me too.'_

Beck sighed in frustration. "None of this explains why she did what she did. Those entries are old."

"Yeah, but you can't skip them." Robbie interjected from beside Cat, "If we want to know why she did what she did we have to start here. Not everything may be relevant, but we can't say it wasn't important. This was her story, you know? Her _life. _ You can't just skip to the good parts."

"I guess you're right." Beck replied and looked ashamed of himself.

"Maybe that's enough reading for tonight." Jade said as she looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. "How about we do this again here tomorrow at the same time?"

Everyone nodded. "Okay. Andre why don't you drive Cat and Robbie home?" Jade asked. What she really meant was, can you please get out of here before Beck has another meltdown?

"Sure." He replied and they all got up and left. They left the diary on the floor where they'd been sitting and Jade picked it up and placed it on the shelf, before laying on the bed with Beck.

"Thanks for being there for me today." Beck said as he held her, "I don't know what I would've done without you."

"It's okay Beck." She replied with a small sleepy smile, "Any time." She basically whispered the last part as she fell in to a surprisingly peaceful sleep.


	3. Crush

When they were settled on the floor of Beck's RV it was time to read the journal. This time they'd drawn straws to see who had to read and Beck had pulled the short one. He didn't want to read Tori's diary aloud, wasn't sure he could handle it even if he did want to know what was inside, but found with the other's staring at him that he had very little choice in the matter. He cleared his throat. You can do this, he thought to himself before he opened his mouth to read.

_"30 March 2010_

_Dear diary_

_Its happening again, the nightmares, and I don't know how to stop them. I think I'm going to go crazy soon, I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't count the amount of times I've woken up screaming since it happened. Every night its the same. The same nightmare over and over every night. I always wake up screaming and feeling like I can't breathe. But you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that no matter how many times I wake up screaming, no one ever comes to my rescue. They don't even come to make sure I'm okay. They never have, not once. I guess they just don't care about me anymore. To be honest, I wouldn't either if I were them, but we're family and it still hurts to know that they don't care about me anymore. I hate myself enough for what happened to Mom, do they really need to torture me too? I guess I do deserve it, though it doesn't make it any easier. One of my nightmares just woke me up and though I screamed and suffocated, no one came. _

_I've been trying to distract myself for the past hour, to get the thoughts out of my head, but nothing seems to be working. Nothing except for the one thing I know deep down I shouldn't be thinking about. Or the one person rather." _Beck faltered not sure whether he could read the next word on the page. He swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice level, "_Beck. He's all I can think about. I know it's wrong, and that he has a girlfriend, but I can't help it. There was something in his brown eyes that gave me hope, something that told me that it was going to be okay. Even if I don't really believe it, it's still a nice thought to have. He makes me feel safe, secure and wanted, which is something I haven't been able to feel since my mother died. I know it's wrong to think of him this way, and that the new Tori I'm trying to be wouldn't want to break up Beck and Jade, but it's difficult. All I can ever think about is the feel of his lips against mine. Its all that comforts me when things get to be too much, when I can't stand living anymore. I know that sounds awfully pathetic, but it's true." _Beck stopped. He couldn't read anymore. His eyes met Jade's from across the circle to see her face was remote, but her eyes held the faint sign of tears willing to spring free. Beck looked away quickly and his eyes found the floor. He closed the diary. "I think that's enough for tonight." He said and the other's nodded. After all, it wasn't everyday you found out your dead best friend had a crush on you.

* * *

Andre couldn't think properly. He'd already driven Robbie home, Jade had taken Cat, and was now sitting in his car idling around the corner from his house. He couldn't get Tori out of his mind. She was his best friend in the whole wide world, but deep down he'd always wanted them to be more than that. He'd always wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with Tori Vega, but it was something that had always seemed to be too far out of his reach. He never thought that someone so perfect would ever fall for someone like him, but now he was learning that maybe she wasn't so perfect after all. Andre just wished she had of told him about this stuff, had of let him know she was suffering so he could be there for her. All he'd ever wanted was to be there for her, but he'd always thought she hadn't needed him. He thought that someone so perfect as Tori Vega couldn't possibly need the help of someone like him. He hit his hands against the steering wheel. Why hadn't she just let him in? He didn't care that she had feelings for Beck, he had just wanted her to be happy, because he really was in love with her. He still was. But now she was dead and he'd never know what could've happened between them or what their futures might have been like. But the worst part was now Tori didn't have a future at all, with him or otherwise.

* * *

Jade picked up Tori's diary. She wasn't sure she wanted to read what was inside of it due to that last entry, but they'd all agreed to do this and they were going to see it through. No matter what they found.

_'2 April 2010_

_Dear Diary_

_It's been a few days since I've last written to you, and for that I am sorry. But so much has been happening. I'm writing songs again! My mother used to love it when I made up songs for her when I was a kid. She always encouraged me to pursue it and I knew she'd been disappointed when I had stopped writing, so I know she'd be proud of me now. I'm writing with this insanely talented guy named Andre and his music is absolutely incredible. When I write with him I feel alive, I feel like there is more to this world than just I know. Hearing him makes me want to find that part of the world. To find that place that makes feel special and see things as they are, as more than a perception someone is pushing onto me. I know it sounds corny but I can't help it. When I'm writing and singing I feel free for the first time since my mother died. I " _Jade stopped. She looked to the others and shrugged, "That's where the entry stops. It just cuts off there."

"Maybe she got interrupted? Trina was probably bugging her for a pair of shoes or something." Cat said with a shrug.

"I don't know." Replied Jade and then turned the page. She looked at it for a second trying to place what was off about it. The page looked like had water spilled on it or something, because there were little blotches all of the page, but it was more than that. There was something off about it, something that made Jade's stomach drop and nauseousness creep up on her...

There was blood on the page.


	4. Haunted

The blood sent chills down her spine and Jade hesitated before clearing her throat. She looked up to see everyone was looking at her in wonder and slight worry. "There's blood on the page." She said and looked around.

"Let me see." Robbie all but shouted and reached to take the book. Jade numbly handed it over. The bad feeling hadn't left her and she still felt sick. Why was there blood on the page of Tori's diary? What could've possibly happened?

"Oh no." He said and his brown eyes looked haunted. His whole body was taut, his hands clenched on the book and his breathing picked up significantly. Jade's nauseous feeling got worse.

"What?" She asked and he just shook his head. His face was going a pinkish shade of red and his hands were trembling. After what felt like forever Robbie began to read.

"_2 April 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm sorry for not finishing my last entry but I was interrupted. I'm also sorry if my writing is a little messy right now because I'm shaking even though it's not cold, but I just can't stop. My father came into my room while I was writing, he was in another drunken fit. He'd been having them for a while now, he would yell strange things or say things about my mother. But this was different. This time he was _angry._ He was so angry it was actually scary. But the scariest part was the way all of that anger and rage had been directed at me. He'd looked at me as if he'd hated me, as if I was some monster intruding on his life. It was a look that I'd never thought I'd see him wear. As he burst into the room drunk and erratic it finally dawned on me that this was not the man who raised me. This was not the man who taught me how to ride a bike and pushed me on the swings at the park. This was not the same person who cuddled me when I was little and kept the monsters of my nightmares at bay. I only wished I'd been able to realise it sooner though, maybe then I would've been able to move away in time. But I didn't, and I felt the swing of his hand in a sharp precise blow._

_I would be lying if I said I didn't cry. But he just smiled at me. He told me to 'harden the fuck up' and then he laughed. He actually laughed at me. I couldn't believe any of this was happening. I kept wishing that I was dreaming, that the whole past few months had been one big nightmare that I would awake from at any moment. But as he hit me again I realised that it wasn't, no one could endure such pain and still be asleep. It was the first time since she'd died that I'd called out for my mother. That was probably my biggest mistake. The memory of her, or at least the reminder coming from me, seemed to push my father over some invisible line. He started crying, saying that it was my fault, saying that I killed her and he etched the message further into me with every single blow."_

No one said anything. Jade wasn't sure if anyone could, she knew she couldn't. It was just all too much. Tori had been abused? How the hell could none of them noticed that? She'd never let on, they'd never been able to tell that she was in any kind of pain. Could this have been why she decided to kill herself? Jade wondered and then dismissed the thought. Tori didn't kill herself until recently, this entry was old; there had to be more to it than that. It would've been a big contributor, but not the only reason. Having that thought didn't give Jade any comfort though, it didn't make her want to read on, it just made her extremely sad. She cast a weary look around the circle. Robbie was staring at the diary as if he could make the words on the page change, Cat was crying with her doe eyes wide, and Andre and Beck looked murderous.

"I'm going to kill him." Andre choked out and his hands clenched together.

"Me too." Beck said and his eyes were darker than Jade had ever seen them. As she looked at Andre and Beck right now she knew they were capable of anything. As much as she wouldn't mind it if they did tear Tori's father apart, she knew she couldn't let them. She knew that if they did anything to him their whole lives would be ruined.

"You can't." Jade said numbly as Beck and Andre got to their feet. They both stopped to look at her.

"What?" They demanded and Jade could see their rage was beginning to spill over.

"You can't hurt him." Jade said coldly, her body felt like it was made of ice, "If you do he'll have your heads on a platter. Okay? He's a police officer. You do anything to him and both of your lives are over, I know for a fact Tori wouldn't have wanted that."

They faltered, Jade could see it in their eyes.

"We can't just let him get away with this!" Andre shouted and his arms flew wide.

"I know," Jade replied, "And we wont. But we have to be careful with how we deal with this. Like I said before Tori's dad is a police officer and police officer's tend to have a tendency to protect their own, which means we can't just go about this without a plan. I say we finish the diary, gather all of the facts and then figure out what to do with them. But whatever we do, we do it rationally." Jade added the last part with a stern look between them. They just nodded meekly and sat down; both obviously still fuming.

Jade stood up slowly and then grabbed the diary from Robbie. She turned the small red leather book over in her hands and then put it in the shelf. She kept her back to the others for a while before taking a deep breath and turning around. Something that Jade had never seemed to notice until now was the way their group seemed to need a leader. Someone to keep the peace and talk everyone out of doing stupid stuff. Tori had been that person. She'd been the one to keep well meaning but irrational Beck and Andre in line, had always known what to say to soothe Cat in times like these and had been able to see past Robbie's weirdness to see and understand the person underneath. She'd been able to be there for them even when there had been so much going on in her life and while Jade will admit they had their differences (and Jade still isn't comfortable with the fact that Tori had a crush on Beck), she admitted that she needed Tori now. She needed her here to keep the peace and comfort everyone in ways that Jade was sure she never could. Not because she didn't want to, but because she didn't know how. But Tori isn't coming back to help her with this one. It was up to Jade now, she had to find a way to make sure everyone was okay and still bring justice to her dead semi-friend.

"Okay, that's enough reading for now. We'll read more tomorrow, or at least I know I'm going to be. Not because I want to but because, believe it or not, I want to help Tori." She took a deep breath and looked around the room, meeting everyone's eyes. "I don't want the people who really killed her to get away with this, I know it wont be pretty and I may never be able to forget the things she went through but I can't ignore this. I'm not going to ask the rest of you to read anymore of this if you don't want to, I'm sure Tori would understand. But I can't let this one go, and I have to do this right. For Tori."

Everyone was silent. Obviously no one was expecting this from her. Not that she could blame them, she supposed. She was Jade West, the scissor loving emotionally closed off girl who never seemed to care about anyone's problems; least of all Tori Vega's. But this wasn't something Jade could back away from, it wasn't something she could just forget. She would never be able to change what happened to Tori, or change the fact that Tori is dead, but she could try and bring some from of justice to her. She could make sure the people who hurt her would pay. She knew it would't be pretty, and like she said to the others she'd never forget what Tori went through, but Jade was already haunted. She had suffered through her own trials, had been put in some messed up positions, and that was why she couldn't let this rest.

"For Tori." Beck echoed her, bringing Jade out of her thoughts. His eyes held a depth in them, a weight Jade hadn't seen in Becks eyes for a long time.

"For Tori." The others echoed in unison every face in the room sombre. Jade looked around at everyone, tearing her eyes off of Beck. Everyone looked older than they did before, they all looked haunted in some way and Jade couldn't blame them; this was a lot to deal with. But they would deal with it and they would bring justice to Tori, together.


	5. Where We Stand

_'5th May 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while, but I've been scared. I know if my father ever found out I was writing this he'd destroy it and he'd punish me severely, but I can't take keeping everything bottled up inside anymore. The abuse has been getting worse and so have the nightmares. To be honest I'm not really sure which is worse anymore; the nightmares that haunt me whilst I sleep, or the ones that haunt me while I'm awake. Do you know what it's like to feel like a stranger in your own home? To have to tiptoe around everywhere you go or take care with everything you do for fear of doing something that will trigger the wrath of someone who used to love you? Well I do. That's what my life consists of now. The only place I feel even remotely at home is at Hollywood Arts with my friends. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere else. I know they're not perfect, and some of them are more than a little weird, but they make me feel like I have a place - like I have a purpose. Hearing about their problems, or helping them with things, is basically what is keeping me sane at the moment. Its just nice to know that other people have normal problems to worry about, or normal for Hollywood Arts students anyway, like getting jealous in a relationship or not getting an audition or something. It was just nice to know that not everyone has a life like mine, full of fear and constant worry. I know the normal reaction for most people in my situation would be to get jealous at how simple their lives are, and I do envy them sometimes, but I just can't get jealous or resent them for being happy and leading good lives. I honestly just hope it can stay that way for them, I really do._

_I guess I should fill you in on some things that have been happening over the past month, though there really isn't much that I haven't already explained. Things are getting worse with my Dad, but now Trina is joining in too. It's weird because ever since I can remember she's always been there for me in her own way, but now its like she just wants me dead. I haven't been to school in a few days because she burned me the other day; she got the poker out of the fireplace and pressed it to my back. But that's not the worst part, not for me. The burns and marks she makes on me will heal, the pain she causes me will fade, its the things she says to me when she does it that I can't forget. She says bad things about me and my mother, she even went as far to say that she was glad our mother was dead and that neither of us were ever really her family. There is still a part of me who hopes she's just grieving, who hopes that they'll both come back to me, but the rest of me knows that this is my life now; living in constant fear and pain. So for now I've been trying to just focus on the positives like the fact that I'll be going back to Hollywood Arts tomorrow. I really can't wait to go back! __If I spend another moment in this house, where I have to constantly worry about doing something wrong, I'm going to explode. I have to go now because I hear footsteps in the hallway and you never really can be too careful in my house anymore. _

_- Tori Vega'. _

It was the first time any of them had ever heard Tori sign her name at the end of her journal entries and it sounded weird, but not as weird as the way she sounded so okay with what was happening to her; so used to it. Beck's hand's clenched around the diary as he closed the pages so he wouldn't have to look at the words anymore. They were at Jade's house today and Beck was glad that her father was away on another business trip. No one could know about Tori's diary, not until they figure out what they needed to do. After all, if Tori's father found out about this Tori would never get her justice.

"I can't believe Trina would do that to her own sister." Cat said sadly, drawing Beck's attention back to the group.

"Yeah, I mean I knew she was pushy and spoilt but I never guessed that she could do something like this." Robbie interjected, keeping his eyes on the floor.

"What really worries me is how much worse this is going to get." Andre said solemnly, "I mean if Tori didn't kill herself after any of this, what could've been so bad that she wanted to die?"

No one said a thing. Beck doubted any of them knew what to say, he sure as hell didn't.

"Maybe we should take a break." Jade suggested. "I'll call the maid and get her to bring us some food and maybe we could watch a movie or something?"

Beck looked at her and nodded. "Okay, I think a break would be good." He didn't have to be a mind reader to see the toll this was taking on everybody. A break from the wondering what horrors are written within these pages would probably do them all some good.

* * *

When the others left her house Jade was finally left alone with Beck. They hadn't spent much time together since Tori died, especially since they'd found out about Tori's crush, and apart from reading the diary with the others their interactions had been pretty limited. Jade had been trying to give Beck some space to mourn but she just couldn't stand not being around him any longer. She wound her arms around his waist and buried her head in his chest. He wound his arms around her slowly and kissed her head before he asked, "Are you okay?"

She nodded a small nod and replied, "As okay as can be expected. What about you?"

"I'll be fine." He said and Jade looked up so she could look into his eyes.

"That wasn't a yes." She said observantly and the hint of a smile played on Beck's lips.

"Its as close to a yes as I can get." He replied, the smile disappearing from his face altogether.

"You know we're going to have to talk about it sometime right?" Jade asked, hating the way her voice sounded. She sounded nervous and scared and so not the confident Jade West she usually was.

"Can we not go there just yet?" Beck asked and his arms tightened around her as if he could tell she was afraid, which she was. Jade was pretty insecure when it came to her relationship with Beck, having never really believed that she was good enough for him anyway, but this was something else. Beck's dead best friend had had a massive crush on him, may have even loved him by the sounds of it, and since finding this out things just haven't been the same between them. Jade knew Beck was going through a lot, knew that he had taken Tori's death pretty hard, but if Jade lost him now she wasn't sure what she was going to do.

"I'd really rather we talked about this sooner rather than later." Jade said not letting her fear get the better of her. It was time for her to stop being so damn insecure and channel a bit of the strength she's always pretended to have. Strength that Tori seemed to have had in bucket loads, Jade tried to stop thinking about Tori. The thought of Tori sent a mixture of emotions through her, but the most influential was sadness. She hated the fact that Tori had had to endure so much and the thought of those things made Jade really really sad. But she also had a new found respect for Vega. Tori had been strong, she'd been strong and kind and out of all of them (especially Jade) she was probably the one who had the brightest future. It just wasn't fair that she'd been taken from them all, but the effects her death was having on them weren't fair either. Especially the effect her death was having on Beck.

Beck sighed and dropped his arms to his sides. She let him go as he walked over, sat on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Jade made her way over slowly and sat down on the couch next to him, but she sat as far away from him as she could get thinking it would be better to give him some space.

"I don't know what to say." Beck admitted lifting his head from his hands, but he still wouldn't look at her.

"Just tell me the truth Beck, I can handle it." Jade added the last part on not really knowing if it was true or not, but she didn't look away when Beck looked directly into her eyes.

"I feel confused. I love you, I've always loved you, but its not easy to know that your dead best friend had a thing for you, you know? To be completely honest I feel guilty, really guilty. I spent time with Tori everyday, I talked to her all the time and all that time I had no idea. I had no idea what was going on in her life or how she felt about me, I guess I feel like a pretty shitty friend. All I can ever think about is how she was always there for me, for all of us, and I could never be there for her."

"So what does that mean for us?" Jade asked timidly after a moment's pause.

Beck blinked his eyes clear and looked at her, _really _looked at her, for the first time since they sat down. "What do you mean?" He asked, confusion saturating his voice.

"I mean, ever since you found out about Tori - about her crush and other things - things haven't been the same between us. Its honestly like we're not a couple anymore. I just want to be sure of where we stand."

"Where we stand?" Beck asked in a high pitched voice and Jade just nodded silently.

Beck grabbed her hands and held them tight. "I love you Jade and I'm sorry if I've been a bit distant lately, its just a lot to take in you know? For us all. I just haven't been feeling the best lately."

"So you don't want to break up?" Jade asked and Beck shook his head as he put his arms around her.

"Of course not. I love you Jade, no matter what, I'll always love you."

"I love you too." Jade murmured and let Beck hold her. It felt nice to have his arms around her, it made Jade feel safe. Jade was someone who had always had trouble feeling completely safe and at ease and Beck always made her feel that. He made her feel warm inside and helped her heal all her broken places. He was her strength, he helped her be the best version of herself, and she was so happy he wasn't going to leave her.


	6. Sunrises and Cabbage Patch Dolls

_'10th May 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_I decided to sleep on a park bench last night. It was just easier for me to be out of my house, away from my family. I know I'll probably have Hell to pay for it later, but I just had to get away. Sleeping on a park bench isn't fun. It's cold and dark and it feels weird to be out in the open, but it still feels better than home. It felt nice not to have to lie awake at night and wonder if my father is going to get drunk and have another fit. I don't know how they're letting him show up drunk and hungover at work, but they do. It's weird considering he's supposed to be helping uphold the law. A part of me thinks they're just giving him time like I am but I still find myself wondering how he could hold that form of employment when he spends most of his time intoxicated or hungover. Either way I'm glad they do. Otherwise I'd be stuck with him all the time, except for the time I spend at school, and I really don't think I could handle that. Trina on her own nowadays is bad enough, the weekends are terrible, and I don't think I could handle it everyday of the week. But anyway, getting away for a night was nice. It made me wonder about what it would be like living out here on the streets. Would it be better for me? Would running away solve my problems or just give me a whole new set of them? I don't know. But it was nice to entertain the notion of running away, if only for a moment. _

_It really is beautiful here. Once you get over the cold and take in the space around you, it's not too bad. The sunrise is quite magnificent. One of my best memories from when I was little was when my mother took me to the top of this old mountain she used to visit. It wasn't too high, it was more like a large hill really, but it gave the most beautiful view of the sunrise to anyone who stood on top of it. I'll never forget the way the first streaks of color broke through the dark night sky and my mother held me tight in her arms to stop me from getting cold. She'd had a blanket around us both and we'd stayed together under the blanket as we watched the red hues of the morning sun set the sky on fire. The sunrise out here could never be that beautiful to me, I doubt any sunrise will be, but it made me think of her. My chest ached when I thought about her but it was a good ache, better than how I usually felt. In fact, as I watched the sunrise and imagined my mother sitting next to me and watching it with me, I found I was actually able to smile for the first time in a long time. _

_- Tori Vega.'_

* * *

_'12th May 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Did you know that I had cousins? Because I sure as Hell didn't. Apparently they're on my father's side of the family. They're his sister's children or something. I actually have no idea, but either way they're here. They've moved in across the road from us to help 'support the family'. A part of me wondered if they knew but the rest of me knew they didn't. There would be no way my Aunt could stand there and look at me knowing what happens to me here, could she? I didn't know and I didn't know what to think of them but I didn't actually have that much family left, so who was I to complain? They seem nice anyway, I haven't really spent much time around them so who am I to know? There's my Aunt Karen, Uncle Ben and my three cousins; their two fourteen year old twin girls Stacey and Lauren and Noah my nineteen year old cousin. Noah was the only one who really talked to me and it felt nice to have someone from my family look at me without hatred. He even asked me to hang out with him later and show him around._

_I was hesitant at first but I agreed that it would be okay for me to show him around. The whole time he was talking to me though, Trina had been staring at me. It wasn't a nice stare either. I didn't know why, considering I was only talking to my own cousin, but she just looked disgusted somehow. I suppose that's the only way I could put it even though I don't know why she would feel that way. Aren't I even allowed to talk to my own family anymore? I tried to ignore her the best I could but it was difficult. I just hope Noah didn't notice. If he doesn't know what's going on already, I'd hate for him to find out. I'd hate for anyone to know how weak I am, how I can't do anything but be afraid anymore. I'd just hate it and I'm not even really sure why. _

_When they left I wanted nothing more than to just crawl into bed and bury my head in the pillow but Trina got to me first. I should've known that somehow she wasn't going to let me sleep and I bit back the urge to ask her what the Hell the staring had at before. But I knew that would only make things worse so I said nothing and accepted my punishment, for what ever the Hell I did this time, quietly.'_

"Trina's a bitch." Beck's voice broke through the silence that echoed in the room after reading Tori's last diary entries. Jade didn't say anything but all around the circle there were murmured signs of agreement.

"I think that's just about the understatement of the century." Robbie interjected harshly, balling his fists up until his knuckles were white.

"I can't believe she's so okay with all of this. You know? I can't believe she's not angry at them, I can't believe she's just accepting this." Cat said and her large wide brown eyes were filled with tears.

"I just wish she had of confided in us. I mean think of how differently this would've all turned out if she had of. Maybe she'd still be here." Andre said adding on the last bit in a quiet broken voice.

Jade still said nothing. She too wished Tori had of confided in them. Even if she hadn't of come to Jade, telling anyone what was going on would have been better than doing nothing about it. But who was Jade to criticize Tori's decision making? She wasn't exactly being honest with the people around her either. Of course her mother hadn't been half as bad as David and Trina Vega, but still. How could she judge Tori for not confiding in her friends when Jade herself had been keeping a secret from them for years?

Jade looked up when she felt Beck's hand on hers and as she looked into his eyes she knew he knew what she was thinking about. She gave him a small smile before turning to the others. "We should meet again tomorrow after school to read more of the diary. Maybe we could go to Cat's house tomorrow? If that's okay?"

Cat nodded. "It's fine. My Nona is out tomorrow anyway."

"Great so we'll all meet then?" Jade asked and was answered by a round of nods. "Good." She said and tried to contain her urge to run away. Thinking about her mother had brought up all kinds of things that Jade was having trouble thinking about. Not because she didn't want to but because she'd spent so much time trying to forget about her mother it was hard to cope with all these memories swarming into her mind.

* * *

Jade didn't know why she'd come here. She guessed it was probably just because she was a glutton for punishment and after reading Tori's last diary entries with the others she couldn't get the thoughts out of her head. Hearing Tori's memories of her mother had brought back memories of Jade's own mother, though Jade's mother never really had been the watching-the-sun-rise-together type of mother. But she was still the only mother Jade had ever had and hearing Tori's memories of her mother made Jade miss her mother, even if Jade's mother wasn't actually dead. Jade hadn't seen her mother since she was thirteen years old and while Jade knew she was better off without her mother she missed her.

"My mother was a drug addict." Jade said aloud to the freshly dug plot in the ground that was Tori Vega's grave. She felt like since Tori had been so honest with them through her diary, even if she hadn't originally intended for them to read it, that she had to be honest with her.

"She was a very manipulative woman, very hash to me and my father." She cleared her throat as tears swam to her eyes. "She always knew what to say or do to make us think that she had a chance of recovery. She could always give us hope that the next time would be different. That she could get clean and change, it took us forever to work out that that just wasn't going to happen."

"When we realized how hopeless she was we tried to convince her to get help, for real this time. We knew we couldn't keep going on with her the way we were and we knew she wouldn't last much longer with the way she was going." She felt funny speaking to the ground but it also gave her comfort. It gave her comfort to know that she was close to Tori right now and there may be some possibility that Tori was listening to her. Even if she'd never been that close to the other girl she felt like she could relate to her somehow.

"The last time I saw her we were admitting her to a rehab clinic. It was the day before my thirteenth birthday and she'd promised me she'd get herself clean. When we got there though she started freaking out she started screaming at us and... and that was the first time she'd ever hit me in my life. She didn't just stop at one punch either but luckily my father was there to break it up. The nurses came out then and escorted her into the building."

"I didn't know what to think about her for a while after that. It took me a while before I actually wanted to see her again but when I went to visit she refused to come out of her room. She didn't want anything to do with me or my father. Every single letter I sent was returned unopened and every time I tried to reach out to her she rejected me. It hurt at first but after a while I began to realize that it was better that way. She couldn't hurt us if she wasn't around us and I could see how much happier my father was without always having to deal with her insanity. I knew he felt guilty, but it was better for us this way and he knew it."

Jade sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She was crying and she usually would've felt embarrassed but right now she just felt strangely at peace. It felt good saying this stuff aloud. Of course Beck knew, he was the only one at Hollywood Arts who did, but it was still nice to tell this stuff to Tori even if there was a chance she wasn't really there.

"But reading what you wrote about your mother, it makes me miss mine. I know my relationship with my mother wasn't the same as your relationship with your mother, but she had her good moments. I still remember the time when I was little I wouldn't stop going on about this Cabbage Patch Kid doll I wanted and we just didn't have enough money that week. On my fifth birthday she woke me up with the doll I wanted, the one from the magazine, it was my favorite birthday gift. I've still got the doll too, it's at the bottom of a trunk of my old things. I've been looking at it a lot lately and thinking about her. Reading what you wrote made me miss her even more, I just can't seem to get her out of my head. I miss her like she's dead and it's stupid because she's not. She's still around somewhere and I want to find her and I want to know her again. I know it wont be the same between us but I want to try at least. I guess that's all I can do."

Jade swallowed hard and rubbed her hands together. It felt good to get the words out even if Tori couldn't respond to her and tell her what to do. She felt scared at the thought of seeing her mother again but she also felt a strange sense of excitement. She knew it would take her a while to actually find her mother, considering she left her rehab facility last year, and she'd have to talk to her father first but she felt hope that she could make things right between them. It was only a small hope but it was more hope for her relationship with her mother than she'd had in a long time and as she sat by Tori's grave and watched the sun go down she felt at peace.


End file.
